the big 'i' word : infertility

I have some intense feelings and opinions about this topic. I've been surfing the 'net for the past hour or so, and there is a lot out there about infertility treatment, parenting "alternatives", living childless or child-free, both by choice and by circumstance, and most of all, lots of angry words from the rabid childless and the non-compassionate parents. It's a whirlwind.

Until recently, I have remained out of the conversation for several reasons. But I'm not sure I can hold my tongue anymore.

Are any of you dealing with infertility, or have you dealt with it? Is it worth reading yet another opinion on the matter? Of course, this won't completely determine whether or not I write on the subject, just give me some insight. Please email me at hello at aleasa dot net.

For the record, this is where I stand:

1. I have PCOS. (It is estimated that 3 of every 4 women diagnosed with PCOS will require assistance to conceive. It is certainly not a block to fertility, but has a significant negative impact.)

2. I am currently struggling with even liking kids, although I'm almost 100 percent certain it has to do with our difficulty conceiving.

3. I do not feel comfortable with the ethics of most treatments for infertility and will not pursue treatments beyond a certain point. That's not up for debate.

4. I think our society is very family-oriented, and I have experienced increasing feelings of alienation because of it. Many of these feelings are admittedly self-inflicted, but they're there none the less. Have you ever had anyone ask you "when you plan on starting your family"? Because me and the Sarge don't qualify as one, I suppose. Not to mention that the main "event" for most of our married friends (especially in the military) between maybe 25 and 50 is child rearing. Keeps things interesting.

5. We have always wanted to adopt, even before this "adventure". We probably will at some point. But I don't want it to be because we can't conceive. I want it to be because we're being compassionate to God's heart for orphans. That means I have some emotional healing to do ... the Sarge might, too.

6. More and more of our friends are procreating. That makes this a sensitive subject because there are less and less people to whom we can relate. And I have issues with relating to people as it is. So it's a double whammy. I'm internalizing a lot more than I think I should. This probably requires its own post lol.

7. Doesn't seem like we fit into a category for support. We aren't trying every medical option out there.. and will not. We haven't decided to live "childfree". We don't hate kids, but we don't hate having a home without them, either. We aren't really suffering, but there are some really tough days. It's like we're in infertility limbo. I can't find one forum or sounding board in which I'm represented... Apparently no one feels the way I do haha! What's new?

So, anyway... that's us. 

This post will not be open for comments. I don't need any sympathy notes.. but please email me if you'd like to chat.

love, me


i'm 'A' hero!

apparently there aren't a lot of people with type A- blood, so the american red cross harasses me every 56 days to give blood. last time i gave blood, we went to chuck e cheese afterward.. and let's just say that was a disaster.

i thought it couldn't get worse.

i gave blood on sunday (my birthday... ) it seemed like such a great idea at the time! so, of course, i felt kind of light-headed and dizzy afterward.

to be expected.

and when i went to bed, i thought... "hm.. my throat is a little scratchy..."

fast forward about 18 hours and i'm sitting in class, shivering violently in what was supposedly a 'warm' room. one of my classmates felt my forehead and said i seemed warm and should maybe go home. which i did.

and do you know what my temperature was?


that's like a freaking radio station. not a temperature.

so i've been self medicating with nyquil and drinking water and iced tea like it's going out of style.

but lord, i hope i saved a life!

love, me


friday memes because i feel like it

happy (early) friday. what are y'alls plans for the weekend? i'm haning out in sunny san diego with my dear friend nicole and i'm excited. i always have fun down there with her. anyway.. i came back for another post. perhaps there is hope?

and, well.. everyone needs a little writing inspiration! :)

fill in the blank friday!
with lauren

1.  The highlight of my week was   an awesome, awesome small group with my ladies on Tuesday and making plans for a fun weekend with a good friend! .

2.   If I had to classify my interior design aesthetic it would be   traditional. except in my kitchen.. that is just a bundle of who what when and where! but yes. traditional. we just bought this couch and a matching loveseat and i loooooove it. we're going to ditch the pillows before long though... .

3.  My first vehicle was   a 1992 honda accord lx! it was maroon with a grey interior and it was the bomb.com .

4. An item I need to have in my day in order to function is  water and lip gloss. is that weird? .

5. My favorite way to waste time is  well... a little pinterest, and a little facebook gaming that i am just not ready to divulge in the public arena! and sleep. always sleep .

6. Right now I could really go for   liposuction lol (i ate too much and i'm feeling like i overdid it!!) .

7.  This weekend I will be   doing LOTS of homework. like.. lots. and helping my friend clean her house! .

five question friday hop!

1. Where is your favorite vacation spot and why?
i have never been, but i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that i die to think of the amalfi coast in italy. but i think anywhere in that country would do. 
if we're talking reality.. well, victoria (canada) or catalina island are probably my favorite two places so far. they're so pretty and i feel fancy and relaxed and just.. happy. that's what vacation is all about, right?
2. What is your biggest guilty pleasure?
i LOVE the real housewives of orange county. and sometimes new jersey.
i feel so guilty about it because i kind of feel sorry for them but their drama is so juicy. :)))

3. What is your favorite fashion trend right now? Or, in the past?
my favorite.. hmm.. i'm not really trendy so this could be totally off. but i love coral, teal and gold. it's been on pinterest, so it counts... right??

4. What are your spring break plans?
HA! we don't get a spring break in the grown up, childless world.

5. What baby names do you hate? 
okay i have erased and reworded this answer four times now so i'm just going to say it. stop naming your kid after inanimate objects.
 there i said it. 
and for the record, i left out a lot of other names i hate that don't fit into this category but i don't want to hurt anyone's feelings :))

now... hop on!!

love, me


being perfect

 hello all. i've been away from the blog world for a while for various reasons... and i can't promise that i'm back (to anyone who was curious) but i will say HAPPY LEAP DAY! did you know that people who turn 21 on a leap day are not "officially" of legal age until march first? that's a bummer, isn't it?

i have a lot going on. being a part of two bible studies, leading one of them, possibly becoming someone's mentor (who let that happen?!), trying to plan and maintain all of the household issues, working for a few hours a week, and of course, a full load at school ( which -- how do you moms deal with the issue of going back to school? and working, some of you full time?! i can't even manage the house and feed my husband without having a nervous break down!). there are a lot of demands on me right now and i'm sure a lot of you can relate.

and pinterest (don't ask me when i have time to pin.. just don't ask!) doesn't help. isn't it just a gallery of how people are doing things so well? isn't it just an opportunity to figure out how many ways you are not making the mark?

my organization board is full of immaculate homes that speak to budgets larger than my own (even stuff from the dollar store adds up once you consider sprucing the stuff up)

my style pin board is full of awesome clothes so that people can dress like an adult while i feel like i'm a teenager masquerading. and let's be honest.. it never quite looks the same on my body.

my recipe board is full of scrumptious and (sometimes) healthy eats. and i'd love to cook them... but when? and let's not forget that i should be counting my points and finding time to work out. let's not even get on that southbound train.

and i feel like i'm not connected to God like i want to be. do you ever think that? beat yourself up because you didn't have a quiet time today? wonder what a quiet time is even supposed to consist of?

tell me i'm not the only one who has dealt with this? you don't have to comment or raise your digital hand, because i already know. augustine had it right: the Lord has formed us for himself, "and our hearts are restless" until we find him. seek the lord for peace and completeness this week. HE is your strength.

stop the madness!

take a deep breath with me.

he knows how we are formed. he remembers that we are dust. (ps 103)

and he is not shaken. (is 54)

in fact, his power is made perfect in weakness. (2 co 12)

WE cannot do it all -- he never asked us to. we rely on HIS purpose. so that he gets the glory. that's the point -- it's not about us!

and there is NO CONDEMNATION in him! (rom 8)

we cannot be perfect. he doesn't even expect us to. isn't that a relief?

"Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me
and lead me in the way everlasting."
Psalm 139:23-24

girls. let's live in something greater than ourselves this week! i hope to hear from you about what you're giving up control of today, right now! he loved us enough to die. can't we love him enough to live the life he paid such a great price for?

love, me