the big 'i' word : infertility

I have some intense feelings and opinions about this topic. I've been surfing the 'net for the past hour or so, and there is a lot out there about infertility treatment, parenting "alternatives", living childless or child-free, both by choice and by circumstance, and most of all, lots of angry words from the rabid childless and the non-compassionate parents. It's a whirlwind.

Until recently, I have remained out of the conversation for several reasons. But I'm not sure I can hold my tongue anymore.

Are any of you dealing with infertility, or have you dealt with it? Is it worth reading yet another opinion on the matter? Of course, this won't completely determine whether or not I write on the subject, just give me some insight. Please email me at hello at aleasa dot net.

For the record, this is where I stand:

1. I have PCOS. (It is estimated that 3 of every 4 women diagnosed with PCOS will require assistance to conceive. It is certainly not a block to fertility, but has a significant negative impact.)

2. I am currently struggling with even liking kids, although I'm almost 100 percent certain it has to do with our difficulty conceiving.

3. I do not feel comfortable with the ethics of most treatments for infertility and will not pursue treatments beyond a certain point. That's not up for debate.

4. I think our society is very family-oriented, and I have experienced increasing feelings of alienation because of it. Many of these feelings are admittedly self-inflicted, but they're there none the less. Have you ever had anyone ask you "when you plan on starting your family"? Because me and the Sarge don't qualify as one, I suppose. Not to mention that the main "event" for most of our married friends (especially in the military) between maybe 25 and 50 is child rearing. Keeps things interesting.

5. We have always wanted to adopt, even before this "adventure". We probably will at some point. But I don't want it to be because we can't conceive. I want it to be because we're being compassionate to God's heart for orphans. That means I have some emotional healing to do ... the Sarge might, too.

6. More and more of our friends are procreating. That makes this a sensitive subject because there are less and less people to whom we can relate. And I have issues with relating to people as it is. So it's a double whammy. I'm internalizing a lot more than I think I should. This probably requires its own post lol.

7. Doesn't seem like we fit into a category for support. We aren't trying every medical option out there.. and will not. We haven't decided to live "childfree". We don't hate kids, but we don't hate having a home without them, either. We aren't really suffering, but there are some really tough days. It's like we're in infertility limbo. I can't find one forum or sounding board in which I'm represented... Apparently no one feels the way I do haha! What's new?

So, anyway... that's us. 

This post will not be open for comments. I don't need any sympathy notes.. but please email me if you'd like to chat.

love, me