Late Night Struggles

A lot of times, staying up too late yields too much time for thinking about things that I have no control over. 

Tonight, it's being childless. 

The Sarge and I have been trying to conceive for the past four years with not even so much as a glimmer of a chance. We have made the conscious decision NOT to proceed with any fertility treatment. We do want to adopt eventually, but that process won't even start until we begin at our next duty station (at least two years more). 

I swing violently between wanting a child of our own, and hating the idea of having children (which I'm sure is solely because of our trouble conceiving). It's like I'm trying to convince myself that life is better without kids. Most days, that works well and I believe I could live a happy, childfree (rather than childless) life. But some days, like today, it's scary to think that the little life you envisioned is not going to be your life at all. 

My heart hurts for miscarriages and unplanned children ... but deep down inside, it's hurt for myself, and not the families affected. I know that probably makes me a disgusting and horrific person. I can't be sorry about that tonight. 

Anyway. I felt like writing might help. And it has. Comments will be closed for this post, as I have done for all infertility posts. So if you feel like saying something to me, don't. Just pray for me. :)

love, me